I read, I question, I ramble

Warning, this blog could be quite a long one, so if you get bored that's obviously your fault for not paying enough attention to me.

For the past few months I have been working my way through a book by Charles Spurgeon, called 'Tulip doctrines.' As the name suggests, it's about the 5 doctrines of Calvinism. I've really been enjoying it, everything is very easy to understand and mentally digest. But today I took it a little further than just reading it. Feeling encouraged from a sermon on Sunday about meditating on God, I decided to meditate on what I read. And by that I simply mean I wrote questions for myself and how I responded to it.
The topic was Irresistible Grace, but it was past the point of explaining what that is, and had gotten to the section of how irresistible grace is a calling and how to examine yourself with scripture to see if you've received the calling. Needless to say, it was very convicting.
Here are my thoughts:

Have you been called? What is the calling?

2 Tim 1:9, a holy calling.
This calling is a holy calling. Have you forsaken earthly things, and long after holiness? 'Be holy, for I am Holy.' Or can you continue in your sinfulness as you always have?

This is only the beginning, and already I'm struggling with the questions. I cannot lie to God, he knows my heart better than even I do. So I had to be very honest with myself in answering these thoughts. I realised all the times I've willingly sinned and gone against God, without feeling any remorse or shame immediately. Noticing that really had me questioning myself, but I realised I do always come to a point of conviction and repentance. It might not be immediate, but it always comes, even for things I didn't realise were sinful. So I can take comfort in this, because if my heart had not been changed by grace I would feel no remorse for my sin. But I do feel the guilt of my sin, so that is one way I can see my calling unto a holy life. Because on earth I will always sin, but slowly through sanctification I will become more aware of my sinful self and will learn how to deny my old self and put on Christ. For the more you know God, the more you see your own filthiness.

Philippians 3:13-14, a high calling.
Has your calling put your mind on things above? Are the things you hope for heavenly or earthly? And is your only true satisfaction found in Christ?

Again, this was conflicting for my heart, because yes, I do have a yearning for heavenly things and I do feel the high calling. But I'm also very easily distracted by earthly things. Sometimes I get caught up in my job and I focus too much on relationships or friendships, and then I get confused and doubtful of my faith. Why am I so easily distracted when I have this deep desire to know more of God? Because even though I know I am called, I'm still a fallible human. I never doubt God in my life, but as I'm still human I tend to doubt myself. But no matter how much I doubt myself God never takes back the calling, once you're called there is not going back. I tend to stray somedays when I'm distracted, but God has a called me for life. Because of who He is, I will never be unjustified.

Lastly, Hebrews 3:1, a heavenly calling.
Have you been called from heaven to heaven?

This one I've lost my notes for, so I'll let you think for yourself on that one. And I've written a long enough blog now anyway. Hope you managed to make it this far through my ramble. I never know how to end these things, my awkward side comes out..

Lecy x