New blog, new me

New blog, new me? No, not really. I just got bored of my old blog, and in some ways I felt like I had out grown it. But let me just explain, my blog is a way of venting. I'm not writing to entertain people, or make them feel sorry for me, I am merely expressing myself and writing things down as a way of letting them go.  I write because I enjoy it and if you like reading my words, then feel free to do so, but keep in mind I'm not writing for you, so don't complain if I say something you don't like. Obviously if I say something horrifically wrong and misguided I would appreciate being told, in a polite manner. 

Intro over, let's begin journeying deep into the thoughts of my mind.

 Here are some possibly sad words I wrote down the other night in order to clear my mind and cheer myself up. 

'I realized too late what I had lost when I said I was leaving you. I didn't want to let you go, but deep down I knew it was what we both needed. In some ways I think I was the stronger one for seeing this and letting you go, no matter how much I hurt myself in the process. I also know that me letting you go is the reason I blame myself, and also why you blame me too. Because I know you do, and I know you've talked bad about me behind my back, which hurt a heck of a lot when I realized this - because I learnt that you weren't at all what you said you were.You turned out to be everything you promised not to be. But again, that's my fault because I didn't notice that you were a lair before I trusted you.

But there are a few things I can thank you for, such as teaching me what love shouldn't be. Thank you for pushing me to my limits and breaking me beyond human repair. Because I'm learning again that I cannot fix myself, nor can any other human fix me completely. Only God can heal me and help me grow into the person He created me to be. Thanks for letting me blame myself for this mess, for thinking I had broken you more than myself. But I realize now that I am, in fact, far more broken than you. I've come to terms with this, so the blame has been passed onto you and I'm finding peace with myself through God once again.
I want to especially thank you for giving up on me, for breaking every single promise you ever made me. I've learnt to trust people with a guarded heart now, and that's because of you. So in a way I thank you, but it's also your because I've lost that innocence.

It's also your fault that I cried myself to sleep for the first time in my life, more than once. It's your fault I lost confidence in myself, because you always held me back. It's your fault that I still miss you, because I tried to put us back together, but you wouldn't let me. I also tend to think that it's your fault we spent over 2 years of our lives living to half our potential - because you wouldn't have let me break up with you any sooner than I did. Because we were both ignorant of the fact that we weren't meant to be together, but you denied it for so much longer than I did. Also, thanks for ruining certain foods, places and songs for me. They've been tainted with memories of us, that I can't seem to forget. It's your fault my heart is broken and will always have a hole because you're gone. I'll patch it up as best I can, but the stitches will sometimes ache in the cold and remind me why they're there. 

All of this is your fault, because it was you who gave up on us. And yet, here I am, 7 months later still blaming myself for everything that you should have taken responsibility for. I can't blame you, because I was the one who said the words to end everything, yet it was you who had given up long before I mentioned anything. So I blame myself for something that was out of my control and I often feel guilty when my soul is calm and finds a piece of happiness. Because why should I feel the faintest bit of happiness when I hurt you so deeply. The truth is, I don't know if I hurt you as much as I think it should have hurt you. Because you seem fine, getting along with life, finding new girls to flirt with and replace me, forgetting my existence. 

What hurts the most is that I don't think I actually broke you completely, yes I may have scared you, but I don't think I broke you. Because I don't think you loved me the same as I loved you. You loved the idea of me, you never loved the person I actually am. But I on the other hand, loved every piece of you, even all the flaws that I tried so hard to fix. I still loved them as much as I loved any other part of you. But I know you didn't love me that way, otherwise you would have put up more of a fight when I said we were done. Instead, you gave up on us as soon as I hinted at breaking things off. You dropped me as fast as you could, and didn't look back at the mess that you caused. But I guess you were allowed to, right? Cause technically I broke up with you. But I tried so hard to be the girl you wanted and needed, I changed myself to be the girl you would love forever, but even that didn't work, because I was just nothing like your perfect girl. So I broke myself in order to become myself again, and for that I will not apologize. 

And I won't expect you to ever say sorry, because you know none of the things I think and I know we see this situation completely differently. You think I'm the bad guy. But I can't wait for you to realize that it was all your fault. Suddenly you'll realize how much I loved you and what I sacrificed of myself to be yours, and I want it to break you as much as loving you broke me. But once you realize this I need you to know that I'll be gone, and you'll be hit with the fact that you let go the best part of you go. You'll realize I would have been worth the fight and you'll regret not fighting for me, like you promised you would. You'll regret not fighting for the girl that loved you with her whole self, and didn't keep anything for herself. You'll suddenly come to terms with what you lost. You lost me, the girl who loved you with everything, loved with ever part of her being, and lost herself when she found out who you really were

Elysia x

P.S. Sorry if this is a bit morbid, but as I said. I write for myself as a way of letting my emotions out. And frankly, this is just some of the things I wish I would say to my Ex. But I won't. I just needed to let them out so they weren't suck inside me forever.